the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
