In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
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I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
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How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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