i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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