while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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