My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
