I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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