see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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