does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
