I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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