He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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