Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
