you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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