the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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