Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
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5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
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I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous