I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.