you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
