he was CRYING into my vagina
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
