I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
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She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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