i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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