Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
