My cat gives me a boner
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
