Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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