About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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