if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
