please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
