so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
