There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
