i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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