My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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