wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
