If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
