JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Randomize
