i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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