I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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