Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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