i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
