but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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