Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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