Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I supernannyed him into submission
My feet surprised me
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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