think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
