I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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