Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
