My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
40s are totally the cure
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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