The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
