Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
