Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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