the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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