The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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