You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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