smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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