I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
worst night to have a conscience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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