So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
