i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
