I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
COCAINE IS GR8
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
