i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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