I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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