I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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