when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
