to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
